So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
