I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
