I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
