Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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