I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
