Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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