I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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