A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
