We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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