I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
