Fine. I'll sleep in my office
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
