Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
