what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
