my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
