As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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