remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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