you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
