Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I intend to get homeless drunk
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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