You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Randomize
