I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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