i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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