i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
