Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
