I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
