party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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