he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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