A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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