I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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