In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
