the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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