The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
