Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
