sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
