You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
