I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
