real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
