made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
