if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
