Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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