I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
