doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
