Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
