If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
