Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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