I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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