Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
