she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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