I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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