Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
