Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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